Who Even Reads These Anyways?

No, seriously, who reads any of my blogs? I mean, it's just some teenager venting practically her life out there. To who? I don't know. Why do I even bother? I feel like I'm wasting time. Why do I even do any of this? Is it because of my divorced parents? probably. Is it because of broken relationships with my parents/ practically entire family? probably. Either way, Why am I doing any of this?

I have had ENOUGH with life for awile. No, I'm not suicidil or however the heck ya spell it!! I have had enough with it already. I'm sick 'n tired of public high school. I hate having divorced parents. I'm starting to get bored with Kansas City. I'm scared for my best friend....she's prego and if her biological dad finds out, he will kill her. I hate homework. I want to be homeschooled (online). I want to start a campus ministry but I'm too worried about too much other crap to bother with getting one started. Oh and I'm a daddas' girl livin with mom in Kansas City...

To be honest, I don't even know if I want to even try to get a CM started at my high school... I just don't know anymore. when is enough finally enough? I just wish I could close my eyes and everything would be the way God wants it to be... )':

People (mainly mom) have been SOO oblivious to me that they don't even seem to care. That might have came across wrong... but, what I mean is, well, I don't really know..

Who is even going to read this? I don't think this'll matter to anyone.

I can't really concentrate on/at school because of the things I listed above. How am I supposed to concentrate when I get to school, I'm still the same person.... home situations effect school. I'd like to think teachers knew this and acknowledged it if they did.


I feel like I wasted my time typing that. I'm hurting. bad. Does anyone hear me? :'/ I don't know what to do/ who to go to...what to say....etc. I don't know. anymore. I'm tired and empty. This life is relentless..

Please, tell me why I even bother writing. anything.

online high school? what the heck am I thinking? Who am I fooling? oh yeah, me. great. another thing that'll get flushed down the toilet of 'things NEVER to happen that you always get your hopes up for.' I've been crushed before...

Why? just why?











I don't know...anymore. Why do believe EVERYTHING we read in the newspapers, the magazines, on the internet and yet we question the word of God? )': please pray for me. I don't know what I'm gonna do anymore...





for our "God is a consuming fire." -Hebrews 12:29

I can't quit.

A Dadda's Girl? Still?

Alright, believe it or not, I am still a dadda's girl. Who said being a dadda's girl was easy when your dad isn't even really there?

I live my mom in Missouri... My dad lives in Kansas. (Yea, they're divorced.)

this post isn't really like the others. But, it is still me doing what I do when I don't have anyone to vent to. It helps me alot and has helped me for a long time. I love writing. It doesn't matter what you put, the piece of paper "listened" to me and didn't judge me... I don't really know.

What I do know is that I need my dad.... ): I could see my dad being more a support than ma is. No offence. but, seriously.

(go to youtube.com and search No One Else Knows - building429)

Why Don't You Share Jesus?

I can't help but to remember the one time after bible study when we went out on an outreach thing. It was pretty cool. Conversations may not have lasted long. And, well, if they would have, I would have jumped on board and started really talking to these random people. I get irritated and I am also really hurt by the fact that some christians seem to be convinced that Jesus didn't really say to go into the world and preach the message of the gospel. But he did and I'll prove it.

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Matthew 28:19

He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Mark 16:15

Those are the only two that I could find. But, Jesus makes it pretty clear, doesn't he? It's the great commission not the good suggestion.

I remember on that friday night, I asked my mom a question that went something like this: "Aren't you gonna go and talk to anyone?" she said "no" so I asked "why?" she said "cus I don't like talking to people." alright, so I'm a tad irritated and yet hurt. Irritated because Jesus gave us THE Cause. "go and make disciples..." If Jesus gave us a choice, I don't if we'd really do it. We need to take Him and the Bible seriously.

The world needs Jesus. We know that. so why aren't we doing anything to advance THE Cause? Are you bringing Christ up in your day to day conversations? Are you showing the love of Christ that people are in desperate need of? Do you really love Jesus or just His stuff?

Let me ask you this - If you could have heaven, with no pain, no sickness, all the friends you've ever had, all the activities you've ever enjoyed, all the natural beatuies you've ever seen, all the physical pleasures you've ever tasted, and no human conflict, and no natural disasters, could you be trully satisfied with heaven, if Jesus was not there?

I sure couldn't! Jesus is everything to me. It's Christ plus NOTHING equals everything. (I hope you answered the above question with honesty.)

I was irritated with her because I was questioning wether she was taking the words of Jesus seriously. I was hurt because I don't think she has realized the reality of Hell and that the people she knows and loves can be going there if she doesn't get out there and SHRED THE GNAR for Jesus soon. The way she was acting, was like she has 'forever' to share the gospel. *COUGH* *COUGH* WAKE UP! We are not promised our next breath!

She's probably one of those people who are like "well, I don't want to offend them with the gospel." Give me a break! You can't be serious! If they were in the hospital dying of cancer and you had the cure, saying something like "well, I don't want to offend them. If they need help they'll come to me." C'mon! You have the cure, you're gonna tell them "take this so you can live." Why aren't you doing that with Jesus? People need Him so they can truly live. In John 10:10 Jesus says that he has come so we may have life to the fullest. So, give them Jesus and stop acting like that. Hell is real. You're friends aren't dying of cancer, they're dying the worst death ever. It's eternal. There's weeping (crying), wailing (screaming), and gnashing of teeth (grinding of teeth)... sound painful? Imagine listening to that, and you yourself making them, for all eternity?

I don't understand why a God of love would send people there. But, How could a just God not punish sin? He is a just God and a God of love.

---well,got to go. I'll try and finish this later---

Why Don't They See It?

Don't they see that I'm not happy? Don't they see the pain they have left me with? Isn't it obvious? Is it not in my eyes? Where am I placing this pain? It's all behind my smile. Just look into my eyes and maybe you'll see the pain they have left me with.

The pain of not knowing what to do because you have broken relationships with all of your family...well, it seems like that. I wish I could just close my eyes and the pain would be gone.... forever. Never ever to return.
It hurts. This can't be how it is supposed to be. A teenager who has no parent who seems to act like they REALLY care if you're sharing Jesus or whatever. Why isn't my mom being more a spirtual support for me at home?

Why does it feel like I'm left alone in this? I know that's not true, I know I'm not alone. Something has gotta change....mend this porcelain heart of mine.

Someone said that broken heart would sting at first then make you stronger. I wonder why this pain remains? Where hearts made whole just to brake?

I'm completely SHUT DOWN from my parent. Do they know when to back off?

I've cried while I was writing this... I can't describe the way I feel. I'm irritated yet hurt and confused. I don't know what to do. If I tell them they back off I'll get yelled at.... )':

I really don't know what to do anymore...or, who to go to. I know who I should, but, they've shut me down... alot. )': I feel like this pain is suffecating me. I can't stand it anymore! when will it end? I want to graduate High school and move out of Missouri. Maybe to Colorado? I don't know. But, even then, I'm not so sure if this pain will ever leave... /:

God Loves You!

How much have you thought about that? No, seriously. GOD LOVES YOU!

----It's crazy if you think about it. The God of the unniverse-- the creator of nitrogen and pine needles, galaxies and E-minor-- loves us with a radical, unconditional, relentless, self-sacrificing love. And what is our typical response? We go to church, sing songs and try not to cuss.

Whether you've verbalized it yet or not....we all know something is wrong.

Does something deep inside your heart long to break free from the status quo? Are you hungary for an authentic faith that adresses the problems of out world with tangible, even radical, solutions? God is calling you into a passionate relationship with Him. Because the answer to religious complacency isn't working harder at a list of do's and don'ts-- it's falling in love with God. And once you encounter His love, you will never be the same again.

Because when you're wildly in love with someone, it changes everything.---
(From the back of the book 'Crazy Love; Overwhelmed by a relentless God' by Francis Chan) <--you really need to get his book. for real!

In Branson, Missouri in October 16th-17th of 2008 is when it actually finally clicked with me that the God of the universe LOVES ME! What did I do for Him to love me? Nothing! What does your child have to do for you to love them? When their born, you LOVE them. Why? Because they are YOURS! They shouldn't have to do anything for you to love them. You just love them.

I grew up in church and was told I was a Christian...so I didn't question if I truly was a Christian. I might have said 'I love Jesus' but that talk was really fake til the night of October 16th 2008. There and then while Hillsong United was on stage, I for the first time felt that being a Christian is a relationship with Jesus Christ. Doesn't matter how many times I was told it was a relationship.... I didn't feel that it really was til that one night.

If I told you that life can become more than you could ever imagine today, would you believe me? It's true. Life became REAL. that night in Branson. I felt ALIVE that night for the first time ever. When you truly have Jesus and are in a passionate relationship with Him, you feel alive... because after all, Jesus did come so that you may have life to the very fullest.


and people wonder why I love Hillsong United so much [:

"I Love You"

I can't tell you how many times those three words have been emptied of their meaning. Maybe for some people, they have heard it so many times from people who should be showing that they love them. But, all that those people do is just seem like a house guest instead of an active member of the family. This is not meant to bash or hurt anyone. I'm going to share with you something from my life. note: it's not intended to hurt anyone... I love you guys [:

See, my dad was there but he was never there like a daughter needs her dad to be there for her. I don't know what it's like to have a father in your life. Mine, never went to any of my school music performances when we had them. In elementary I always asked him to come. And? I always got the 'I have to work in the morning' or the 'I'm too tired' excuse. I asked til 5th grade and then I gave up. But, in 8th I asked. Well, no, I had my mom do it for me. Why? I've been rejected so many stinkin' times. I didn't want to look rejection straight in the face again. He was asked two weeks in advance. Guess what the excuse was? Yep. 'I have to work that night.' I think I found that out the night before the performance.

I know he wasn't doing this because he didn't want to go, he was doing it because his dad was never there for him... Let me say this, when he is at work, he is amazing at what he does. He works at Sams Club in the electronic area. His area is always clean and nice and put together.

I remember one (this was only once) time when he CLEANED the HOUSE. and dang, that guy can clean! it looked freakin good!! I remember when he cooked too, that was really good. I bet I can tell you why he's never done them again. He doesn't get the encouragement that he needs to build up that self-esteem. Don't get me wrong here, I do love him alot and he still needs to know and to feel the overwhelming love, joy, peace, hope that only comes through Christ Jesus.

I start to hurt when people talk about how awesome their dad is and how they spend so much time together or whatever. I wish me and my dad were like that. Will it ever change? Will I ever have the earthly father in my life that I need? I need answers! Now! I believe it can change, but, I have to work at building a relationship with my dad. fast.

I never have liked fathers day. I bet you can guess why too. Well, I'd like it alot better if me and my dad actually did father-daughter stuff. I guess it hurts me and I get upset and irritated with the ones that I love because I want things to be different. This isn't how it was meant to be. is it?

I can't recall how many times I have heard those words 'I Love You' and felt like they had no meaning. The only time I felt that those words had meaning was in Branson,Missouri at a youth convention and it finally clicked with me that the God that created everything has a relentless love for me. I often find myself wondering what do those words even mean anymore? What does it mean to truly love someone? Do you give your life for them so they can live? That's what Jesus did for us. I know he loves us because he proved to us what true love is on the cross.

Romans 5:8 says;
"God demonstrated His own LOVE for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

That is the greatest love story ever told. God loves us and proved that to us on the cross.

Often times I find myself placing the "love" I've felt or haven't felt, on God. Like the love I didn't get from my dad I'd place that on God and assume that's how He must feel too. I know that's not true. God's love is crazy, self-sacrificing, radical, and relentless.

If you're fatherless like me, you know how I feel. I know alot of teen girls, maybe guys i don't know, have felt so empty and haven't gotten the love they deserve from their dad at home have gone out and look for that love. They won't find it. It's a love that only a father can give their child. Kids need that love and structure and family time in their lives.

I didn't have that love, structure or family time. If it was there, it was obviously not very strong. I wasn't raised in a family that ate together, I wasn't taught to have table manners and my grandparents have yelled at me for not doing something right at the table. HELLO? I wasn't raised with any, out off all people they should know this.

I don't feel the pressure to date either. It never comes to mind. it's another distraction. I'm perfectly fine single. I'd rather improve my relationship with Jesus before I have a boyfriend. I have high expectations for them too. Which is good. I'm picky about who I'll allow myself to date. Sorry guys, this girl isn't dating any time soon!! I love my Jesus and my family and friends.

I'm awed by God's love for me.

PSALM 68:5
"....Father to the fatherless...."

Continued read: No One Else Knows (just scroll down and you'll find it. eventually)

My Jesus!

I get irritated with myself when I don't bring God up in the conversation with the person that I'm talking to. I have no idea why don't I just do it? I know that's the case. Just do it and let God handle the rest. I know these people need hope, love, joy, peace...etc that only comes from the gospel.

Today, earlier on the bus, I realized that I wasn't showing them the love of Christ the way that I should be doing. I know I hurt for them, but why am I not doing anything? Why am I acting like them?

It's cold outside
Or is that just the chill I feel inside from standing here
Steeping in my shame
I can't deny
I'm surrounded by the very thing You freed me from
That's why I can't come home

Chorus:
I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting

I fail to see
Why You'd still be waiting to forgive me
After all that I have done
But I cannot say
That one time I returned and You had turned away
Your love never fails
(My Jesus - Todd Agnew)

I read something in this book called 'Living For Jesus Beyond The Spiritual High' by Greg Speck. In one of the chapters, this is what it said: (It's quite convicting for me now)

----BOOK SOURCE: Living For Jesus: Beyond The Spiritual High by Greg Speck----

"11And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. 12He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. 13I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life."

Not only does your friend's begin anew, but he or she also can look forward to eternal life in heaven.

Why don't you tell your friends about Jesus?

"I don't want to offend them. Who am I to shove the gospel down their throats? If they want answers they'll come to me. They know what they are doing."

Give me a break! If you're friends were dying of cancer and you had the cure, would you say, "I don't want to offend them. Who am I to push a cure down their throats? If they want answers, they'll come to me? They must like dying!" That would be stupid. You would say, "Do this, and you can live."

Actually your friends are dying a much worse death than cancer because it's a spiritual death. You have the cure, but you hide it because you think it's too offensive.

You need to love your friends enough to risk your relationship with them. Say to them, "Even though you hate me, make fun of me, or think I'm a loser, I love you too much to see you go to hell, so I'm going to tell you about Jesus Christ."

Do you love Jesus Christ? You can't love someone and be ashamed of Him at the same time.

Imagine being out with someone you love very much. They pick you up, and while you're in the car together, they tell you how much they love you. But you pull up to a stoplight, and they see some of their friends on the corner.

To you: Get down, quick. Get your head under the dash.
To friends: Hi. No one else in the car. Just me.
To you: Stay down. They might see you. No, don't look up.
To friends: What's that hair? Oh, Uh, it's my dog. (They pet the back of your head.) Yeah! It's my dog.

The light changes, they drive off, and then say to you, "I love you so much."
You would say, "You don't love me at all." Why not? Because you can't love someone and be ashamed of them at the same time. We'd be insulted if anyone treated us like that, but that's exactly how we treat God sometimes.

At church, retreats, camps and conferences we tell God how much we love Him, but when we get to school we want Him as far away as possible.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To be honest, when I first read that, It was quite convicting. I don't about you, but I don't want to treat God like that anymore ever. If we'd feel insulted if someone did that to us, imagine how God must feel when we treat Him that way.

I'm even convicted of doing what I added at the end there. Jesus said in Matt 10:32-33 "Therefore whoever confesses Me before men, him I will also confess before My Father who is in heaven. 33 But whoever denies Me before men, him I will also deny before My Father who is in heaven. NKJV

wow. Matt 16:24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.

The key is to publicly confess to others that “Jesus is my Lord and Savior,” and believe that God raised Him from the dead. The Bible says:

Rom 10:9-11: 9 that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. NKJV

John 12:42-43 Nevertheless even among the rulers many believed in Him, but because of the Pharisees they did not confess Him, lest they should be put out of the synagogue; 43 for they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God. NKJV



1 John 4:1-3; 2 By this you know the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is of God, 3 and every spirit that does not confess that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is not of God. And this is the spirit of the Antichrist, which you have heard was coming, and is now already in the world. NKJV

2 John 7-8; For many deceivers have gone out into the world who do not confess Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist. 8 Look to yourselves, that we do not lose those things we worked for, but that we may receive a full reward. NKJV

On the bus, I was getting frustrated because of these teenagers foul mouths. My facebook status read, "oh my goodness. these foul mouthed teens are driving me crazy. ugh :/ Jesus, help me reach them with the greatest news ever."

I do need help on showing them the love of Christ better than I am. I need the boldness to stand up for Christ and stand firm in my faith. Please, it's not too much to ask of you, please pray for me.

I'm trying to start Youth Alive at my high school and I'm kind of freaking out. Like what in the stinkin world am I getting myself into?! this is crazy. I need the mixture of a lion and a lamb when I share the greatest message ever with this lost world who needs Jesus. I need His help in making me more like Him.

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand (Voice Of Truth - Casting Crowns)

Being one of the new kids at my high school I have some what made "friends"... I need to share Jesus with these people. Like what Matt said to me the other day about we never know that this day could very well be our last day. Some one could die and go to hell because I didn't share Jesus with them. It's a scary thought, but, sadly true. I mean what if it really was my last shot to share Jesus with them...and what if that conversation changed their eternal destiny?

the school campus grounds is one heck of a mission field. But, I'm willing to SHRED THE GNAR and go all out for Jesus and stop at nothing.

Til the WHOLE world hears [: THE Cause is my goal!!

"It's Your Life" by Francesca Battistelli

I'd say that once you tell people that you're a Christian, they watch you like CRAZY. They know how a Christian is supposed to act... So, I'm sick 'n tired of phony Christians. They are conforming to the patterns of this world. And in Romans 12:2 it says:

2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

At church on wednesday night, some of the 'christians' were cussing... not how a Christian should be acting at all. This world doesn't need cold-hearted Christians. The world needs warm-hearted Christians who will share the gospel with their friends, strangers, etc. and show them the love of Christ.

12Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, 13but he who stands firm to the end will be saved (Matthew 24:12-13)

I don't know why no one's is correcting these people and getting them back on the right path.

1Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, 5for each one should carry his own load. Galations 6